Midnight apple

I slept through dinner time tonight

having an apple seemed so right

so i took a large bite

alas it was rotten at the core

and i couldnt eat it anymore

Empty stomach leads to lousy rhyming. And the fault lies entirely with that stupid apple. We have always treated this fruit affectionately and with respect, the eden garden fiasco notwithstanding. And this is how it repays a starving daughter of eve. So much so for gratitude. I wonder what would have happened had eve decided not to share the apple with adam. Would she have been alone kicked out? Would adam badly missing his sole beautiful companion have come looking for her, secretly? Would he have stood up against God, connived with lucifer and overthrown the entire kingdom to get his eve back. Or would he have just used another one of his ribs? Ah! things would have been so much more thrilling and exciting. Adam's dilemma, God's wrath and eve's misery. Wow! an empty stomach leads to a stupendous imagination.

I have to get passport sizephotos for my B school application forms. Now I hate my passport photos. I hate them because i look stupid in them. Its weird to see an expressionless face. I mean why don't we smile in passport photos? I ran a search and found out that in UK the computers can't recognize a person if s/he is smiling. A smile supposedly distorts one's contour. And here i used to think that a smile was the best thing to wear on your face.I still don't understand why i can't send a picture of a smiling me with my B-school application. Anyways I guess i have a long day ahead and very few hours that i can spend sleeping. Another day filled with local trains, cstc buses and probably some good breakfast.

Jaded

Today's surprising emotion is Empathy. I am sad, I mean in a real sincere caring way, I am sad for all of us who have to commute long distance daily. Irrespective of their IQ, gender and well demeanour. The Daily commute is the muggle equivalent of the Dementors(It even begins with a D). It doesnt just eat up all that time which we somehow are always short of and renders you useless for the remaining part of the day. It sucks your spirit out of you. It kills your love for travel, drains you of any hope and energy and you feel like you can never be happy or fresh again. It only differs from the azkaban guard in that- instead of having a chilly effect, it increases the heat, which is much the worse. Besides contributing largely to global warming of course. I shudder to think of a life without the ladies compartment or the Mohila seats in our buses. Some scientist needs to figure out a way to make teleportation possible. Its about time really.

They have made Half Blood Prince quite well. It was enjoyable and funny and much less boring than the book. I cant imagine i am finally admitting that Half Blood Prince(print edition) was boring. Chutney, I know you wont read this. But it was real sweet of you to come! I will remain forever obliged. The movie remained quite faithful to the book and the improvisations were fitting. Though the "close your eyes" thing between Ginny and Harry was a little cheesy. Lav Lav and Luna were awesome. Draco was ruddy brilliant. I do wish Daniel was taller though. I was already tired when we entered our training room today. So i worked half heartedly. Not really taking anything in. It rained in the afternoon and I saw a rainbow after like a long long long timeand found it more fascinating than all the magic i had witnessed in the morning. I wonder if this implies that I am transforming into an old lady. EEEEEKS! I would rather Fenrir bit me. Last week i was scared that i might become an abandoned frustu with 20 and 1 cats, now that all my friends around me were hooking up. But then it is not making much of a difference to their lives really. So i am much relaxed now. The universe is still in equilibrium and I still have to take the CAT at the end of this year. Blimey! I almost forgot about tat. Gotta go!

The Story So Far #1

"Two years....only two years of life is ahead of you. You can choose to spend them in a heaven of knowledge, freedom and cheese, or" , the rodent glanced at her audience listening with rapt attention "spend them cooped up in decadence, fear, shame and darkness. My friends, the choice is ours to make. Death is inevitable what matters is the journey. We cannot let that feline fiend destroy our careers. Let us show it who we are. We have to surpass our limitations, reach our true potential and unleash it on that beast. Ladies and Gentlemice! we have before us a life that we want to live and just one question stands in its path- WHO WILL BELL THE CAT?"

"WE WILL" The crowd roared. The wizened rat smiled. The hall was vibrant with energy. At the very back a small mouse was seated, trying to fade in his chair. Soslow wiped the beads of perspiration formed on his whiskers. His heart was thumping with the roar echoing through the hall. They were felicitating the fantabulous fifty- the top 50 warriors of the community. The ones from whom the rodents expected the most. Soslow was sulking, seething. He hadnt been selected. "Non Performance can never be rewarded"- his grandpa's voice was echoing in his head. He felt anger flowing through his veins. He had faced a tremendous disappointment. He got up from his chair and quietly left the celebrating rodents and walked into the darkness. The firmament had no stars for him today. Dark clouds hovered above his head. He walked to the beach and sat there, his brow knitted, contemplating the month's happenings. A month ago he was so sure of his abilities. Everything was going so well. Everyone told him, he would make it. So how did he end up here today? Wasnt he supposed to be the greatest rodent of all times? He stared had at the horizon, forcing back tears into his beady eyes. The ocean looked foreboding, its waves splashing wildly. He heard a faint voice. Meesha was standing behind him.

Afterlife

I am 21 years and a day old. Yay me!

Examination day three and four came like thunder and went like lightning, though not as impressive as nature's original. Networking and DBMS were the two biggies, the destroy-it -all high power nuclear bombs, but they went with a pop! Dint give a lot of trouble and dint drive me mad enough to dedicate two separate columns to them. So i am short me niptaoing them here.

After my english teacher's call on my birthday, i was choked. Yet more when my bro related to me all the nice things she had said. It made me go awwwwwwwww. My birthday dinner was great too. I cut the cake under the open sky on the snazziest building of the newest mall in this area. When chatni and fodoo went all hush hush, i knew they were going to get the cake. But i pretended ignorance. Hehe. So that i could make my eyes go all wide in surprise. It was a sight. There it was a chocolate drum sticks and all and as the heavens and a few lucky mortals witnessed, we all got busy eating our own drum..lol. It was thrilling and since we were outside, i escaped the birthday special cream facial too.

We went to the top floor into a nice restaurant..the one with the captain and all and where the waiters guide you to your seat. We stepped into an enchanted forest night- with vines overhanging. The waiter guided us towards our tree, an owl perched on one of its branches, a giraffe staring lazingly at us. We were ceremoniously seated. At the head of the table i felt so Pocahontas. And the food...oh the food was amazing..mouth watering and so filling. I had accidently let it slip ;-) that it was my birthday and they brought us this amazing complementary chocolate cake with ice cream. After dinner we posed with the statue of a handsome red indian (with six pack abs ) prince statue. The mall was emptying. The shops had all closed and me and chatni waltzed there stupidly. More snaps and then we walked down the street like drunk loafers singing at the top of our voice.Oh it was such fun. I guess i am not over with it yet. No matter how they are, no matter what bitter things pass between us, one does need friends to feel happy alive and loved. I no longer want to be wretched over something someone did at some moment. I no longer want to judge my friends or assess how true their love for me is. I only feel grateful that they were there, that they came and we shared that moment of happiness. And i am thrilled. I am thrilled because i understand now. I had been looking for that perfect friendship where everything goes by the script like a fool. We cant erase the difficult times in our friendship- the tussles, the confrontations, the silent bitterness, the bitchiness. Its all human. But the fact that we could stick together despite the bad minutes of despair, the tears, the misunderstandings is the true testimony to our friendship.

Gosh! i think i really got wiser this year. Yay me!

Sleepless and distraught

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed, The dear repose for limbs with travel tired; But then begins a journey in my head To work my mind, when body's work's expired: For then my thoughts--from far where I abide-- Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee, And keep my drooping eyelids open wide, Looking on darkness which the blind do see: Save that my soul's imaginary sight Presents thy shadow to my sightless view, Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night, Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new. Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind, For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.

–William Shakespeare How can I then return in happy plight, That am debarred the benefit of rest? When day's oppression is not eas'd by night, But day by night and night by day oppress'd, And each, though enemies to either's reign, Do in consent shake hands to torture me, The one by toil, the other to complain How far I toil, still farther off from thee. I tell the day, to please him thou art bright, And dost him grace when clouds do blot the heaven: So flatter I the swart-complexion'd night, When sparkling stars twire not thou gild'st the even. But day doth daily draw my sorrows longer, And night doth nightly make grief's length seem stronger. –William Shakespeare

Examination day two and i am losing my sanity. I stayed up late rattofying all that i could manage.. But when i lied in bed and found no rest and sleep, sweet sleep remained elusive. And see the effects i am writing crap. Being sleepless in bed is a great torture, specially during exams. As expected by the end of the 2nd hour i was so exhausted and my fingers ached and my answers suffered. Reviewed the paper and i couldn't give myself more than 34 on 70 tats even less than 50 p.c. I don't know what's up with sleep. We used to get along so well. I even dedicated all my writings to you. Oh sweet sleep, love please i beg you to return to my aching eyes. Three more papers to go and i know i am doing no better than i always do. I always console myself saying that i am meant for better only if i did something about it. But even the excuse is dying out now. I wanted to give better exams this time. I have spoiled two papers. DBMS is going to be no good either. About Networking and multimedia, I am not sure. I think its too late for this sem and too early for the next to try and be sincere.

The best thing about today's paper was our invigilator Saurabh sir.. I was worried about a questiona and he comes to me and says," koi padhega nahi. Jo paper set karega woh check nahi karega, jo check karega woh khud hi kuch nahi janta hai" That did cheer me up a little but just a little. Talked to ma today. I deeply wish going home will help me as i am thinking it would. God! i am so done wishing. I have even tired myself. I want to see myself doing something substantial. I give myself this month. By the end of june i would either have become what i in my mind think myself to be or i would have foresaken myself for good.

Software and Shakespeare

3rd june, first sem paper:

I had studied a lot but there was way too much to remember in a day. quite naturally i goofed up some of the questions. Ain't expecting much. again, I dint listen to a hunch and regretted it. I do wish I had read SSADM better and reviewed the models. I don't know what's the purpose of all these examinations, i learn nothing, i gain nothing and i don't feel like a software engineer at all. To think of it, it was a very honest paper. And I am not alluding to dishonest means( I did take a glance at foolan's spiral model ).As i was writing the paper i was trying to fool the examiner actually. Pretending i knew more than i actually did. And it couldn't reflect my life any better. That's what i have been doing all this time. Pretending to know more, while not knowing. My purpose not being knowledge, but the appreciation. And the funniest part is that the appreciation never comes- never from the quarters i expect, nay demand(silently so).It is not such a nice feeling to know bout yourself. But then maybe it is not such a bad thing after all. I am not sure. But as i enter into my 20th year a few days from now i believe i will stop being a poseur for good. Shakespeare..ah i came back from college and watched Shakespeare in love and now i am wondering why i liked it. It reminded me of something a friend of mine had said once about getting girls. He had said that literature was the easiest way to gain favours. I suppose its because it addresses those fantasies which we breed in our mind all the time. The movie was certainly worth watching-i was seriously impressed by the queen. But the love part of it ...ah well dint touch me. It was fodoo's bday so i had to wake up at 12 and now i can't find sleep. So i thought may be getting some baggage off my mind would help. Monu's call had perturbed me a bit. The pressure to qualify for the haloed institutes is building up everyday. The mystery is set to be revealed in december. I hope to escape the gallows. This is the high point of my life's story. From here the plot can go anywhere and it is unnerving. I guess that explains my insomnia now. Ah! its 2: 24 and i must find rest. I have a paper to prepare for.

"BAN"al days

Another week of no college. This semester i keep finding at my disposal more time than i can squander guilt -free. I am camping at my airconditioned home yet again. And if that wasnt ironical enough, mum has placed a messenger ban on me. She had infact confiscated my netcom and only returned because i really had to download some pdf files for studying purpose. Infact even as i am typing these words my pdf file is journeying through a myriad of servers, networks, routers and similar crap into my blessed downloads folder. On saturday i again had to take a taxi from howrah to my coaching centre. Braving through the jam and heat wave i entered the building to apply my grey cells to analytical problems. We had a new bloke teaching there today- a banda from IIML. He mentioned his celebrated alma mater only as the class drew a close. Yet somehow only lucknow seemed to fit with his persona. If i were to guess as to what iim he might have been from i wud surely have said lucknow. This is the good thing about going to this coaching centres. Somehow looking at people who have already reached where you are dying to...somehow pumps you up. And the rest was taken care of by my hyperPreparing batchmate. So, by the time i got into that red waala mini bus i was quiet enthued about my feline challenge again. But the thirty minutes of bandel local had drained me out. The next morning i was totally not feeling like going to the centre. And i had some strong reasons too-

1. my whole body hurt, as if someone had thoroughly bashed me with a bat overnight

2. i knew that nobody else from my batch was coming

3. it was awfully hot outside

Still i got up. Primarily because of mum's nagging. As predicted i was the lone soul in the class and most of the sums were geometry. I wasnt that bad with the rest of the sums though. Next day was monday and i thought i wud finally get to go to college. Since fodoo was not going i decided to travel directly to bantala. The day was Akshay tritiya - its supposed to be a very asupicious day. It dint turn out to be one however. Fire at strand road, some kind of "michil" ad i was stuck in a jam for a century. When i finally decided to damn it and go home, suddenly the traffic cleared. Reached college- did a communications class and paid 800 bucks for exmination form. Tats it. All that pain for nothing. The return was even more traumatic. Those red waala buses get jam packed in the evening. And well...the heat and all totally knock out the chivalry among the men. So i stood , rather lurched forward and backwards and forward...as the bus inched through another jam of the century.I stood there willing the bus to move, mutterring..move, move, move and using all of my psychic abilities to keep the buses moving. Only this wasnt a movie. The alchemist funda doesnt work much on the city roads. To top it all the rickshaw guy was drunk, so i got down a little before my home scared out of my wits....and walked home. Now that i am writing it , it so resembles a "the day when everything went wrong " essay we used to have in school. Lol! And now another week of blissful bunking lies ahead of me. All's well that ends well.

Dog days- Garmi Sharmi Hai Rabba!

This semester is turning out to be a vacation. I hardly have over 20 p.c. attendance and what more i am even bunking practs. The best thing about it is that i am not feeling guilty about it as is my wont. Looks like my hermionishness is fading away and i have got a ronnish strek. Its all this heat. When you wake up every morning all sweaty and feeling angry at the entire world stuff like discipline, responsibility, etc take a hike. We are all bunking college this week too. I saw a cockroach on the floor yesterday. I reckon i should throw the bisc wrappers away. The rooms getting messier in geometric progression. My hair feels like this dried bush from africa. My CAT roadmap lies somewhere in this heap unfollowed. I am feeling sick to the core. I think i will just run off to home and its sweet sweet air conditioner!!!!!!

My "get religious" slogan aint pumping me enough. I hope i pick up soon. We have presentations and reports this year. I am kinda interested in the presentation thing. I know its fancy superficial stuff but its kinda more exciting than the other stuff that i have been doing. I dint intend to work on it. Had decided to cheat on it actually. I should have known better. I love sqandering. That's what i do best. Its half done already. Will finish it by tomorrow.

I better get going now! I am feeling kinda inspired!!!:-D

My Dad's Moustache

We - me and let us call them the dark triad had aspired in our second year to become programming experts. The aspirations, enthusiasm, everything else fizzled out and what remained was a bland tasteless blend of tests. To say i was unprepared would be an understatement. We were late even before we started off. I was feeling like a stoic. I had never been so poised before a test. That's the kind of courage being unprepared gives you. The prepared anticipates, the unprepared knows. We were standing in the heat only so particular of this place. And in accordance to the universally applicable laws of the all-knoweth Murphy, universal forces were working hard to delay us further of course! We decided to break journey- i dragged them actually to a bus i thought looked empty. We entered and their were two empty seats, apparently.

One was well unoccupied but the man wont let me sit next to him. And the other was well effectively occupied by Her Corpulencey who was very much engrossed in the happenings of slumber-land. The bus dropped us at gariahat and we walked on to golpark auto stand(oh! eventually i had managed to find a seat when a man got down). We got in the line and were immediately gheraoed by a bunch of those street kids- The shabbily dressed chaps with running noses-an essential part of the city. And they were in full spirits, almost happy. Hoooooooooooo, they attacked us well almost!. Instinctively we ho-ed them back. One of them- with bright eyes- demanded "Chaup". I yelled back at him "Chaup" And suddenly we were exchanging chaups. "Chaup chaup tor babar goph" , they started singing. They were having the time of their lives. And at that moment I dint feel like giving them the two-rupee coin i usually dole out. Because they dint seem like beggars at all. They were my equals at that moment and we had just played a silly game. We were playmates.

Friendship and the Fs

Our Training and Placement Officer is a schmuck. He is an incompetent self assuming technologically challenged asshole because otherwise he had no reason beneath the blue yonder to make me travel all the way to bucolic bantala to fetch a stupid note. My college is an outright abomination.

Friendship...well my best friend was lamenting about a soured friendship. I have had truckloads of them and have sulked about them a lot too. I never work hard to keep my friends anyway. They come, some stick,some slip and i just carry on. Infact today i had a scary realization. I never actually wanted to keep any of them. Ofcourse i have been very stupid. I can see that more clearly specially now that i am often finding myself tongue tied- unable to express, unable to think.

today's day was well not very productive. i still have the pain in my calf muscles- a gift of my over zealous skipping sessions. Its 1st April already and now i have got seven odd months before i take the common aptitude test. I am thinking of working out a schedule.

I completed Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe yesterday...i enjoyed reading it-the old ibo customs, their fundas, their customs. When the westerners discover Okonkwo's village, i was overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness. I wanted to protect the village from the government, the church. Though they brought science, education, law and a certain rationality i felt it was unfair of them to impose it on them. Okonkwo kills himself because he couldnt have changed. Whether the change was for the better, i couldnt decide. The tribe suffered from ignorance to a certain degree but they were wise. Their ways of functioning was different but not totally fatuous. Infact they were quite redolent of our indian villages.

What makes you tired?

There is something very wrong about this write-thing here. I had read a word for informal articles..but can't recall. That's ironic because the whole point of writing all this kitsch is to help me recall, remember why my days are not non existent as they seem to be. 23rd March - 65 or more years ago bhagat singh got hanged so that i could sit here, typing away. Aww I am not getting patriotic here am I?

I don't know. I couldn't love my country i hate all the people, everyone including myself. As if i got the essence of abomination into me. I feel angry over nothing at all. I felt angry when dad was picking on me. I felt angry when **** expressed her desire to sit for cat. And i felt angry at myself for feeling angry. This is so Peter Keating.

Dad's fault was that he mouthed what i already know. I am worthless. That enraged me. And i answered back. Remorselessness- my only defence. I am grateful to him for things too many to mention, but i answered him back. And i stole files- i stole stupid, worthless practical files from our college lab because they were throwing it away anyway. I stole stupid five-rupees-each files because that was supposed to be fun. I don't know whether i have had any fun in my life anymore. And i use slang- i know what they mean and i use them. I have forgotten that word for informal articles but i remember all those worthless slangs. I am not good enough to crack the common aptitude test. Everyday a new pimple erupts from some blasted pore of my face and my bag feels heavy on my shoulders. So all this makes me tired. And that brings me back to what's so very wrong with this article- it begins with a question about you. But that makes anarrogant assumption that you are actually reading this. Another mistake is that the article ain't about you at all. It talks about what tires me out. A grave error indeed. But i have an excuse. I am tired ;-)

I should have ended this here and clicked on publish post. But i want to talk about trains. I don't exactly have anything in particular to say about them. I just felt like mentioning. I am so used to a train journey now- its almost as banal as brushing my teeth. The passengers, the hawkers, the beggars- none of them change much really. I get a seat mostly, sometimes i end up being not lucky. We sometimes stare at each other shamelessly, unapologetically, at others we pretend we are alone in the coach, sometimes we are happy enough to strike an overtly cheery pointless conversation and feel good about having communicated. So that's that. I wasnt bluffing when i said i was tired.

If you love something..stand back and watch it being taken away

They ended Kyle XY ..the final episode left me worried and disappointed. Ofcourse Kyle will find a way out of it. Things will all fall in place. But i lost another thing that i loved. Maybe its a good thing. I dont know. When life is a bunch of disappointments, a new one doesnt make a lot of difference. It just gives me another reason to be crappily schmaltz.

I reached college today, we waited for an hour for the stupid classes to start. I really find it funny when i see teachers taking themselves so seriously in a setup that our college is. I was sitting in the library and wondering how it was the perfect setting for a tacky horror movie-An institute for the dead. So we are sitting there, i mean in the class room, and this guy enters,utterly lost- his presence in the room looked like a mistake. No, wait- our college is one huge mistake. The teacher noted that it was his first class this semester. He asked him the date. So Mary's little lamb bleated that he didnt know. Yeah he didnt think the information was important enough to keep in mind. " What would i need to know the date for? There isnt any exam today". Sound reasoning. Reflecting now on that imbecile statement i suppose it doesnt really matter what the date is if the day is just like the previous one. Even i cant associate memories with the date they were formed on. So i was laughing not just at his ignorance but also enjoying the fact that someone else was more dismal than me perhaps. As far as accomplishments go- i dint learn anything new on March 20, 2009- which was today an hour ago. I came back from college,watched Taken- thought it was a pretty plain movie, like i was watching an FPS game or something. Then i slept through the evening- even missing dinner. Another day and another truck load of disappointments.

I hate these people. I dislike them. I detest their existence, their presence, their sight- i look at them as an abomination. I hope i am able to redeem myself of this wretchedness. I am scared that it wont end. I am terribly scared.

A circle has no beginning

I wish cat studies were as glue-to-matic as KYLE is. I mean i know i am screwing up...these are the first symptoms. During my X boards it was that stupid imbecile Potter series, and now its Kyle XY. I mean ofcourse they should cancel the show cause its too damn good. It keeps me hooked. I mean Kyle is everything I wud want to be- i wud even settle for jesse. I missed my coaching today cause i had fallen asleep! Its incredible how i manage to do it and now i feel guilty too- so that is neither here nor there. I know this CAT thing is my last chance and i am on the way to annihilate it. I missed the class and i didnt make most of today either.

When the only fun you have is while wartching a crass 'dehati' excuse for a girl crying hoarse on a stupid show called roadies, you know there is something terribly wrong wirth your life. I hope they wont sue me for calling it stupid. I totally admit that i enjoyed today's episode but that was because it was funny. The catfight, the task...it was funny only because of Palak and her idiosyncrasies. One thing that i do not understand about this show is the thing they call - ROADIE SPIRIT. The producer- i suppose the cool, bald guy who can cause serious damage just using his vocabulary, projects it to be something about integrity, honesty and performance. Giving your heart to that thing. Now if a person had integrity, honesty and the zeal to give his best come what may- wouldnt he be like in IIT or sumthing. I mean why in God's name would a ROADIE spirited person come on this senseless show to try out some controlled and closely monitored. One would expect such a person to achieve fame and money for a meaningful period of time contributing at the same time a lot more to the society than and hour per week of silly entertainment. Okay i am being preachy her but duh! this is myspace. Then there's all the vulgarity, crassness and abuses. Why would someone tat good take all that crap to prove that he can do silly stunts while manipulating coparticipants? The only good thing about this self proclaimed standard of cool is that they give you something to talk about with friends. Well this only goes to prove that our media industry- at least the television thing kinda sucks. Whenever you actually come to liking a show it either transforms magically into crap or just goes off air. But it shouldnt be bothering me now.