Afterlife

I am 21 years and a day old. Yay me!

Examination day three and four came like thunder and went like lightning, though not as impressive as nature's original. Networking and DBMS were the two biggies, the destroy-it -all high power nuclear bombs, but they went with a pop! Dint give a lot of trouble and dint drive me mad enough to dedicate two separate columns to them. So i am short me niptaoing them here.

After my english teacher's call on my birthday, i was choked. Yet more when my bro related to me all the nice things she had said. It made me go awwwwwwwww. My birthday dinner was great too. I cut the cake under the open sky on the snazziest building of the newest mall in this area. When chatni and fodoo went all hush hush, i knew they were going to get the cake. But i pretended ignorance. Hehe. So that i could make my eyes go all wide in surprise. It was a sight. There it was a chocolate drum sticks and all and as the heavens and a few lucky mortals witnessed, we all got busy eating our own drum..lol. It was thrilling and since we were outside, i escaped the birthday special cream facial too.

We went to the top floor into a nice restaurant..the one with the captain and all and where the waiters guide you to your seat. We stepped into an enchanted forest night- with vines overhanging. The waiter guided us towards our tree, an owl perched on one of its branches, a giraffe staring lazingly at us. We were ceremoniously seated. At the head of the table i felt so Pocahontas. And the food...oh the food was amazing..mouth watering and so filling. I had accidently let it slip ;-) that it was my birthday and they brought us this amazing complementary chocolate cake with ice cream. After dinner we posed with the statue of a handsome red indian (with six pack abs ) prince statue. The mall was emptying. The shops had all closed and me and chatni waltzed there stupidly. More snaps and then we walked down the street like drunk loafers singing at the top of our voice.Oh it was such fun. I guess i am not over with it yet. No matter how they are, no matter what bitter things pass between us, one does need friends to feel happy alive and loved. I no longer want to be wretched over something someone did at some moment. I no longer want to judge my friends or assess how true their love for me is. I only feel grateful that they were there, that they came and we shared that moment of happiness. And i am thrilled. I am thrilled because i understand now. I had been looking for that perfect friendship where everything goes by the script like a fool. We cant erase the difficult times in our friendship- the tussles, the confrontations, the silent bitterness, the bitchiness. Its all human. But the fact that we could stick together despite the bad minutes of despair, the tears, the misunderstandings is the true testimony to our friendship.

Gosh! i think i really got wiser this year. Yay me!

Sleepless and distraught

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed, The dear repose for limbs with travel tired; But then begins a journey in my head To work my mind, when body's work's expired: For then my thoughts--from far where I abide-- Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee, And keep my drooping eyelids open wide, Looking on darkness which the blind do see: Save that my soul's imaginary sight Presents thy shadow to my sightless view, Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night, Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new. Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind, For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.

–William Shakespeare How can I then return in happy plight, That am debarred the benefit of rest? When day's oppression is not eas'd by night, But day by night and night by day oppress'd, And each, though enemies to either's reign, Do in consent shake hands to torture me, The one by toil, the other to complain How far I toil, still farther off from thee. I tell the day, to please him thou art bright, And dost him grace when clouds do blot the heaven: So flatter I the swart-complexion'd night, When sparkling stars twire not thou gild'st the even. But day doth daily draw my sorrows longer, And night doth nightly make grief's length seem stronger. –William Shakespeare

Examination day two and i am losing my sanity. I stayed up late rattofying all that i could manage.. But when i lied in bed and found no rest and sleep, sweet sleep remained elusive. And see the effects i am writing crap. Being sleepless in bed is a great torture, specially during exams. As expected by the end of the 2nd hour i was so exhausted and my fingers ached and my answers suffered. Reviewed the paper and i couldn't give myself more than 34 on 70 tats even less than 50 p.c. I don't know what's up with sleep. We used to get along so well. I even dedicated all my writings to you. Oh sweet sleep, love please i beg you to return to my aching eyes. Three more papers to go and i know i am doing no better than i always do. I always console myself saying that i am meant for better only if i did something about it. But even the excuse is dying out now. I wanted to give better exams this time. I have spoiled two papers. DBMS is going to be no good either. About Networking and multimedia, I am not sure. I think its too late for this sem and too early for the next to try and be sincere.

The best thing about today's paper was our invigilator Saurabh sir.. I was worried about a questiona and he comes to me and says," koi padhega nahi. Jo paper set karega woh check nahi karega, jo check karega woh khud hi kuch nahi janta hai" That did cheer me up a little but just a little. Talked to ma today. I deeply wish going home will help me as i am thinking it would. God! i am so done wishing. I have even tired myself. I want to see myself doing something substantial. I give myself this month. By the end of june i would either have become what i in my mind think myself to be or i would have foresaken myself for good.

Software and Shakespeare

3rd june, first sem paper:

I had studied a lot but there was way too much to remember in a day. quite naturally i goofed up some of the questions. Ain't expecting much. again, I dint listen to a hunch and regretted it. I do wish I had read SSADM better and reviewed the models. I don't know what's the purpose of all these examinations, i learn nothing, i gain nothing and i don't feel like a software engineer at all. To think of it, it was a very honest paper. And I am not alluding to dishonest means( I did take a glance at foolan's spiral model ).As i was writing the paper i was trying to fool the examiner actually. Pretending i knew more than i actually did. And it couldn't reflect my life any better. That's what i have been doing all this time. Pretending to know more, while not knowing. My purpose not being knowledge, but the appreciation. And the funniest part is that the appreciation never comes- never from the quarters i expect, nay demand(silently so).It is not such a nice feeling to know bout yourself. But then maybe it is not such a bad thing after all. I am not sure. But as i enter into my 20th year a few days from now i believe i will stop being a poseur for good. Shakespeare..ah i came back from college and watched Shakespeare in love and now i am wondering why i liked it. It reminded me of something a friend of mine had said once about getting girls. He had said that literature was the easiest way to gain favours. I suppose its because it addresses those fantasies which we breed in our mind all the time. The movie was certainly worth watching-i was seriously impressed by the queen. But the love part of it ...ah well dint touch me. It was fodoo's bday so i had to wake up at 12 and now i can't find sleep. So i thought may be getting some baggage off my mind would help. Monu's call had perturbed me a bit. The pressure to qualify for the haloed institutes is building up everyday. The mystery is set to be revealed in december. I hope to escape the gallows. This is the high point of my life's story. From here the plot can go anywhere and it is unnerving. I guess that explains my insomnia now. Ah! its 2: 24 and i must find rest. I have a paper to prepare for.