Done all Wrong

The first storm of this year in Bengal.

It starts with a gentle wind, which gradually gets fiercer and then menacing, throwing dust at earth’s face, while the lightning looks on cackling with spite.

It’s a depressing night today. Or so i feel as i sit on my terrace, facing the storm, the wrongs, the injustice, the failures. There was a time when I believed that nothing ever could go wrong with me, that i was the luckiest person on earth, that i was a part of God’s great big plan. There was a time when i had faith. Was. Had.

It’s not that my personal disappointments qualify as any major tragedy. The world is faring much worse. I try to reason with myself (half heartedly) and fail at that too. My eyes keep welling up with my selfishness, and shedding it doesn’t unburden my heart. It’s dark now...and the sky is falling, its pieces sharp, soaking everything.

Home Alone

[Image courtesy: notcot.com]

I sort of have a tendency to draw myself into a shell when people are around, but not having them around me doesn’t go too well with me either. I don’t know what this post is going to be about. I am writing only to distract myself. Six months have passed since I relinquished my hostel room for the comfort of full meals and a vast bed. And now that I am not maniacally preparing for MBA entrance exams, the loneliness pangs are sort of getting to me specially, on days when college is off. With Mom gone, it’s worse. I wonder how bad it is for her-staying indoors day in and day out. How does she bear these lazy, enervating, empty afternoons? Practice, perhaps.

Solitary musings are not a very great idea; the temptation to reminisce is utterly strong. We used to make a lot of crazy plans in our hostel rooms, snuggled together. Sometimes we even went as far as carrying them out. None too wild of course! We are all very well behaved, guardians of propriety, umm almost. I say that because at this very instance I can see myself and Fodoo walking over the hostel boundary wall to avoid wading in rain water and jumping over the gate. Fodoo went first while i stood hesitating. I was thinking of the time when i had done a similar thing but the gate had not been very kind to my clothes. But, with friends, you cannot but take the jump right? So i took my chances. The hostel owner saw this. She rebuked us for giving ideas to guys. We were er... compromising security. As if the guys wouldn’t have figured out that the wall was low without our help, duh! So we stood fighting back laughter and looking rather sheepish. But once we escaped from KAKIMA’s basilisk eyes, we were rather pleased. But I knew that our paths would cross again. She was so Dolores Umbridge¹ . The second Dolores Umbridge, I had happened to encounter. The first one was my biology teacher in higher secondary. We were jubilant when she left. Biology in our school was as cursed as Defense against the Dark Arts. The teachers never stayed for more than a couple months. We were not complaining though. Biology classes used to be boring. No, boring doesn’t quite cover it. They were soporific. The teacher used to read from the text book. It was the best lullaby, i had ever heard, almost magical. Infact the class had only looked lively once, when we were covering the reproduction system. I swear I wouldn’t have laughed or found it amusing but then she had to go ahead and explain how this was “all very normal” and then I couldn’t stop it. None of us could and we all exploded at the same time guffawing. But I am digressing. It’s funny how all these memories are coming to me from all corners. So coming back to Dolores Umbridge II, the lady with the basilisk eyes. So as i was saying, I crossed her again. Or I made her cross. Whichever is appropriate. It was raining, not just drizzling. Raining, beautifully. Large drops, consistent shower and my roommate chatni managed to drag me to the terrace for a rain dance. We were joined by a few more but the others refrained and were they wise to do so. A girl came up running, “SHE IS COMING FOR YOU”. Immediate Panic, we couldn’t go down to our room, she stayed on our floor. We took refuge, but she came for us wild eyed, enraged, hurling absurd accusations. She even said we were trying to kill her daughter’s baby. [Try to work out the logic here...rain dance => wet floor =>wet stairs => slippery stairs. Slippery stairs + pregnant daughter => the perfect murder] . The roof was banned for an entire year after that and we were labelled as the prodigals. I was not really comfortable being so tagged, but chatni helped me get a perspective. She said “Matiaao! No one can make me feel guilty for having fun”. That alien word worked like a balm and so we just chucked the thing off. Though I do thing “Matiaao” implied burying the thing. But who had time for funerals?

Fairly Bookish, Bookishly Dull

,

I am infamously addicted to books. My roommate used to be very upset with me being engrossed in some book, ignoring her presence entirely. She connived with the other girls and they tried ganging up on me to get me to stop. Then they just gave up, she got used to it and i was free to go zombie on them for hours again. So just like any other self professed lover of books i make it a point to visit the annual book fair in my city. It's almost a ritual. I visited this year's on Sunday. Much of it was deja vu. Same smells, same sights, same crowd. I

wandered quite purposelessly, wasn't hunting for anything particular. I followed my parents just like an obedient toddler, seeing what they wanted me to see. But it wasn't all dull. Mortification awaited me when my father led me to the NCERT bookstall, showing me the books i "hadn't read". He made a few loud observations as well...someone in the other end of the city might not have heard if they were showering at that time with their music system on full blast. The drive back home was long and urghh bumpy. My brother had got his headphones on and i resorted to exchanging smses with my friend. She wouldn't believe that i hadnt found a book to buy. Atypical, she wrote. That annoyed me so i spent rest of the journey, concentrating on not bumping my head and drowning myself in thoughts. The only thing that stops me from wearing a helmet when Papa drives, is that he might not take it too well. I was much amused by a recent newspap

er report about this supposedly dead man in one of the villages in Bengal. En route to the burning ghats, he sat up, asking the pallbearers for water. He was much angry at his son for all the fuss. It cracked me up as i played numerous versions of it in my mind. I was really tired when we finally reached home, and then Papa informed us that we would have to go with him on the doctor's club picnic with family(I say informed, well he actually had posed it as a question creating the illusion of a choice, but there was no opting out )

Ah PICNIC- such a silly, funny little word. Lunch baskets, mats, badminton rackets, a mild Jan afternoon, an idyllic setting, and people.Picnics are much too contrived to be any fun. So we reach there(after another bumpy ride and my father nudging me to concentrate on the route) and Papa introduces and i hear my brother and myself mumbling shy namasteys and stuff. When i was younger, i used to find it difficult to namaste people i hardly knew, with age hypocrisy becomes easier to

adapt to. The place was a splendid village, a beautiful afternoon straight out of a Jane Austen novel. There also was a Snake House,the "vishesh akorshon(special attraction)". After the namasteys and fake smiles, we entered their abode, more like invaded their listless afternoon. They all looked stoned, perhaps they had a

rave at night.Some hissed at the guide, who was picking them up with a large rod, forcing the otherwise uninterested reptiles to show some sign of movement. I was thinking of course of Harry Potter and the Philsopher's Stone, but the Brazilian Boa Constrictor was not in the house and the other snakes were not well versed in Parseltongue.I didn't miss the irony- the inmates of the "house" caged while the "intruders" moved about leisurely. The funny thing was that the Snakes were sharing their apartments with birds. They had separate rooms of course. It was the first time that I had seen love birds.

They were pretty. But i liked the blue finch better. I also saw a Turkey(pic on the left) for the first time. He was a show off through and through. My brother wondered aloud how people could eat the bird. I was pretty clueless myself. As we took their leave, i had little inkling that the best part of the day was over. The spot that had been chosen for the picnic was a lovely garden. Not very ostentatious or exotic, kinda just right. I would have loved to just lie there with headphones in my ears and a P G Wodehouse infront of my nose but there wasn''t much chance of that happening. So instead i found myself miserably trying to hit a plastic cock, against the wind while my brother kept smashing it mercilessly at the other end. There also was an exclusive ladies special round of musical chairs, unique in that, at times everyone stopped moving altogether. The "gents" had a football match. The duration in commensurate with their stamina was decided to be of fifteen minutes. Uncoordinated was the buzz word. Most members of the "gents" teams looked like they had a football tucked under their tee shirts(it was hard to tell whether they were playing in two teams, cause everybody was aiming for the same goal post) but i hadn't seen such energy in my father. He looked so alien in a football field, his face flushed with energy. It's funny how we can't see our parents to be anything other than our parents. After the match one of the kids sneaked off the microphone and started singing songs from behind a tree. That sort of inspired the other kids as well and they all took turns to singing. The sort of thing we were supposed to go all awww and ooooh and aaaaah and hahaha about. Only i couldn't. Croaky children with microphone is a bad idea. After that, we had run out of things to amuse ourselves with. The we being the "family". The doctors had a booze party going on side by side. No boredom there. The remaining hours were excruciatingly long and slow. The aunties were having the same oft repeated conversation i have grown up hearing. My brother, my sole source of entertainment failed me too. It took too long for the thing to come to an end, too long to reach home and too long for me to write about. The good thing about the Sunday- Federer won the Australian Open in straight sets. Yay!

Reclaiming Life

A rejection always leaves a bad taste in mouth(Yuck!). In none of my narcissistic sugary B school day dreams did I ever think of the red line of pseudo-regret: you haven't been short listed. We wish u luck with your other endeavors. It is like being dumped( It's just not working between us...I hope u understand. It's not you it's me) They should have been more creative and honest.Like "you think you're good enuf for our Bschool, OUR bschool....HA!"A funny pill would have gone down my throat easily.

Anyways so that was one...i guess there are more rejection letters to come. Now is the time to grow philosophical wings. It's unfair how the things that you don't want keep dropping in your lap easily and frequently...while your true desires remain elusive(God's idea of humor maybe). I have never worried about any particular year much. But this year well is getting on my nerves already! It's so painful to "just miss" the mark. Neither here nor there. This sense of Unbelonging- it just gets stronger and stronger everyday. I feel like running. May be i will go for a run this evening. So much for the "universe conspires" theory! I just think i will go back to stuff I liked doing....instead of coming up with ways to market myself. Sheesh!

Meanwhile a good thing has happened too :-D. I am getting readers now. It's a great feeling seeing a comment. For a year i just wrote without bothering much about traffic or followers or comments. But now that i see people actually finding it worthwhile to spend time here...it's a pretty cool feeling. It's nice to see ya people. Keep em comments coming!

The Wrath of a Goddess

Today is Do-Not-Disturb-Your-Books-Or-Else-Face-Divine-Wrath day or as we say in Hindi , Saraswati Puja. I am not religious much but my superstitions get the better of me all the time. So with 2010 being my year of results, I am striving hard to be on the right side of the Divine power.

The good thing about the once a year Pujas is that they are once-a-year, easily adjustable. The Punditji, who acts as the interpreter between me and Mother Knowledge was actually more of a Pundit intern. Not a handsome intern though, which was a good thing! So we sat there...invoked Lord Ganesha, invoked the nine planets, invoked Vishnu, Shankar and all. This kinda clearance is necessary cause you gotta make sure that you don't offend the Big Guys. The rituals are quite simple actually, you invite your guest, run her a bath, present her with new clothes, perfume, flowers, then you offer her refreshments, water, compliment her a lot, greet her and thank her...

I wonder why Saraswati Ma takes offence to people picking up books to read and not to the glaring speakers. Talk about the convenience factor in religion, Ha!

Empire Of the Sun

There is something moving, something really inspiring about the human spirit- when it is in its indomitable form and something truly horrifying about the absence of it.

My Monday afternoon would have been sluggish, but for Jim who granted me the vicarious thrill of living as we are meant to. He dint see the Japs as enemies, he was fascinated with fighter planes and he enjoyed his life at the camp learning from the "University of Life". A great story with great moments.......

System Resume

Wow! i am finally done with all the management entrance tests. One would have thought that i would now get a chance to put my feet up...not happening!

January is still not over and i have already taken two tests(one horrible, the other was appetizing) and even given a job interview.

Looking back at the day of counseling, when i chose to condemn myself to four years of captivity in the school of uncool, i wonder what inspired me to take that decision. Ah! Campus Placements. That was what all engineering was about. A comfortable job in a snazzy IT company. Then Recession happened. Anyways 2010 came with the news of placements. It all happened too fast. Our college had arranged pre-placement trainings. HA HA HA. So i travel for three hours and reach No man's land and get a careless apology by the trainer guy that he had an "important meeting". Of course he had. No time for lesser mortals. Seething, fuming I came back pledging never to attend another one of his "enlightening sessions". I instead spent my time buying classy interview formals and getting a new hair cut in one of those overpriced Salons. Much better use of time and much more rewarding. Making my resume was mortifying.....

Objectives

er..........ummmm...........well...........ahem

Education

attended school

they kicked me out with avg grades

attended college

they will kick me out with avg grades

Accomplishments

1. managed to keep myself alive for 21 years
2. have survived on junk food for three years
3. am taller than 90 percent of the guys in my class ;-)

Interests

novels, movies, music (what else has meaning in this world!)

Skills

1. procrastinating
2. cooking up excuses
3. dozing off during lectures(certified)

Well it was disastrous so i had to ahem paraphrase. That was done. Next on my checklist was "mugging up" basically i had to mug up everything i had studied (or was supposed to anyway) in a span of 1 and a half day. It was impossible but that made it fun actually(it dint happen but well something's better than nothing).

I reached the venue on "THE APTITUDE TEST DAY" looked at the rest of em, realized i was overdressed(Shit!). There was a lot of staring and pointing. Mortification Rehashed. After that there was the aptitude test. The tension in the room was palpable. I was so relieved when my name wasn't called(they were calling out the names of the people who weren't selected). It wouldn't have gone down well with my suit. The next day was the interview.

Getting ready in two hours, traveled another three hours to reach the venue, waited three and a half hours for my turn. The interview lasted for exactly 10 minutes. I was stumped twice. Once when she asked why she should take me?(I dont know I wont take myself)

And again when she said Fountain Head is a bad novel (Lady! Are you a Mills and Boons fan?) Rest was plain technical stuff. They haven't still informed whether i am in. Well in or out, it was some experience. Lesson: no matter how prepared you are it is very hard not to be yourself.

Midnight apple

I slept through dinner time tonight

having an apple seemed so right

so i took a large bite

alas it was rotten at the core

and i couldnt eat it anymore

Empty stomach leads to lousy rhyming. And the fault lies entirely with that stupid apple. We have always treated this fruit affectionately and with respect, the eden garden fiasco notwithstanding. And this is how it repays a starving daughter of eve. So much so for gratitude. I wonder what would have happened had eve decided not to share the apple with adam. Would she have been alone kicked out? Would adam badly missing his sole beautiful companion have come looking for her, secretly? Would he have stood up against God, connived with lucifer and overthrown the entire kingdom to get his eve back. Or would he have just used another one of his ribs? Ah! things would have been so much more thrilling and exciting. Adam's dilemma, God's wrath and eve's misery. Wow! an empty stomach leads to a stupendous imagination.

I have to get passport sizephotos for my B school application forms. Now I hate my passport photos. I hate them because i look stupid in them. Its weird to see an expressionless face. I mean why don't we smile in passport photos? I ran a search and found out that in UK the computers can't recognize a person if s/he is smiling. A smile supposedly distorts one's contour. And here i used to think that a smile was the best thing to wear on your face.I still don't understand why i can't send a picture of a smiling me with my B-school application. Anyways I guess i have a long day ahead and very few hours that i can spend sleeping. Another day filled with local trains, cstc buses and probably some good breakfast.

Jaded

Today's surprising emotion is Empathy. I am sad, I mean in a real sincere caring way, I am sad for all of us who have to commute long distance daily. Irrespective of their IQ, gender and well demeanour. The Daily commute is the muggle equivalent of the Dementors(It even begins with a D). It doesnt just eat up all that time which we somehow are always short of and renders you useless for the remaining part of the day. It sucks your spirit out of you. It kills your love for travel, drains you of any hope and energy and you feel like you can never be happy or fresh again. It only differs from the azkaban guard in that- instead of having a chilly effect, it increases the heat, which is much the worse. Besides contributing largely to global warming of course. I shudder to think of a life without the ladies compartment or the Mohila seats in our buses. Some scientist needs to figure out a way to make teleportation possible. Its about time really.

They have made Half Blood Prince quite well. It was enjoyable and funny and much less boring than the book. I cant imagine i am finally admitting that Half Blood Prince(print edition) was boring. Chutney, I know you wont read this. But it was real sweet of you to come! I will remain forever obliged. The movie remained quite faithful to the book and the improvisations were fitting. Though the "close your eyes" thing between Ginny and Harry was a little cheesy. Lav Lav and Luna were awesome. Draco was ruddy brilliant. I do wish Daniel was taller though. I was already tired when we entered our training room today. So i worked half heartedly. Not really taking anything in. It rained in the afternoon and I saw a rainbow after like a long long long timeand found it more fascinating than all the magic i had witnessed in the morning. I wonder if this implies that I am transforming into an old lady. EEEEEKS! I would rather Fenrir bit me. Last week i was scared that i might become an abandoned frustu with 20 and 1 cats, now that all my friends around me were hooking up. But then it is not making much of a difference to their lives really. So i am much relaxed now. The universe is still in equilibrium and I still have to take the CAT at the end of this year. Blimey! I almost forgot about tat. Gotta go!

Sleepless and distraught

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed, The dear repose for limbs with travel tired; But then begins a journey in my head To work my mind, when body's work's expired: For then my thoughts--from far where I abide-- Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee, And keep my drooping eyelids open wide, Looking on darkness which the blind do see: Save that my soul's imaginary sight Presents thy shadow to my sightless view, Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night, Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new. Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind, For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.

–William Shakespeare How can I then return in happy plight, That am debarred the benefit of rest? When day's oppression is not eas'd by night, But day by night and night by day oppress'd, And each, though enemies to either's reign, Do in consent shake hands to torture me, The one by toil, the other to complain How far I toil, still farther off from thee. I tell the day, to please him thou art bright, And dost him grace when clouds do blot the heaven: So flatter I the swart-complexion'd night, When sparkling stars twire not thou gild'st the even. But day doth daily draw my sorrows longer, And night doth nightly make grief's length seem stronger. –William Shakespeare

Examination day two and i am losing my sanity. I stayed up late rattofying all that i could manage.. But when i lied in bed and found no rest and sleep, sweet sleep remained elusive. And see the effects i am writing crap. Being sleepless in bed is a great torture, specially during exams. As expected by the end of the 2nd hour i was so exhausted and my fingers ached and my answers suffered. Reviewed the paper and i couldn't give myself more than 34 on 70 tats even less than 50 p.c. I don't know what's up with sleep. We used to get along so well. I even dedicated all my writings to you. Oh sweet sleep, love please i beg you to return to my aching eyes. Three more papers to go and i know i am doing no better than i always do. I always console myself saying that i am meant for better only if i did something about it. But even the excuse is dying out now. I wanted to give better exams this time. I have spoiled two papers. DBMS is going to be no good either. About Networking and multimedia, I am not sure. I think its too late for this sem and too early for the next to try and be sincere.

The best thing about today's paper was our invigilator Saurabh sir.. I was worried about a questiona and he comes to me and says," koi padhega nahi. Jo paper set karega woh check nahi karega, jo check karega woh khud hi kuch nahi janta hai" That did cheer me up a little but just a little. Talked to ma today. I deeply wish going home will help me as i am thinking it would. God! i am so done wishing. I have even tired myself. I want to see myself doing something substantial. I give myself this month. By the end of june i would either have become what i in my mind think myself to be or i would have foresaken myself for good.

Software and Shakespeare

3rd june, first sem paper:

I had studied a lot but there was way too much to remember in a day. quite naturally i goofed up some of the questions. Ain't expecting much. again, I dint listen to a hunch and regretted it. I do wish I had read SSADM better and reviewed the models. I don't know what's the purpose of all these examinations, i learn nothing, i gain nothing and i don't feel like a software engineer at all. To think of it, it was a very honest paper. And I am not alluding to dishonest means( I did take a glance at foolan's spiral model ).As i was writing the paper i was trying to fool the examiner actually. Pretending i knew more than i actually did. And it couldn't reflect my life any better. That's what i have been doing all this time. Pretending to know more, while not knowing. My purpose not being knowledge, but the appreciation. And the funniest part is that the appreciation never comes- never from the quarters i expect, nay demand(silently so).It is not such a nice feeling to know bout yourself. But then maybe it is not such a bad thing after all. I am not sure. But as i enter into my 20th year a few days from now i believe i will stop being a poseur for good. Shakespeare..ah i came back from college and watched Shakespeare in love and now i am wondering why i liked it. It reminded me of something a friend of mine had said once about getting girls. He had said that literature was the easiest way to gain favours. I suppose its because it addresses those fantasies which we breed in our mind all the time. The movie was certainly worth watching-i was seriously impressed by the queen. But the love part of it ...ah well dint touch me. It was fodoo's bday so i had to wake up at 12 and now i can't find sleep. So i thought may be getting some baggage off my mind would help. Monu's call had perturbed me a bit. The pressure to qualify for the haloed institutes is building up everyday. The mystery is set to be revealed in december. I hope to escape the gallows. This is the high point of my life's story. From here the plot can go anywhere and it is unnerving. I guess that explains my insomnia now. Ah! its 2: 24 and i must find rest. I have a paper to prepare for.

"BAN"al days

Another week of no college. This semester i keep finding at my disposal more time than i can squander guilt -free. I am camping at my airconditioned home yet again. And if that wasnt ironical enough, mum has placed a messenger ban on me. She had infact confiscated my netcom and only returned because i really had to download some pdf files for studying purpose. Infact even as i am typing these words my pdf file is journeying through a myriad of servers, networks, routers and similar crap into my blessed downloads folder. On saturday i again had to take a taxi from howrah to my coaching centre. Braving through the jam and heat wave i entered the building to apply my grey cells to analytical problems. We had a new bloke teaching there today- a banda from IIML. He mentioned his celebrated alma mater only as the class drew a close. Yet somehow only lucknow seemed to fit with his persona. If i were to guess as to what iim he might have been from i wud surely have said lucknow. This is the good thing about going to this coaching centres. Somehow looking at people who have already reached where you are dying to...somehow pumps you up. And the rest was taken care of by my hyperPreparing batchmate. So, by the time i got into that red waala mini bus i was quiet enthued about my feline challenge again. But the thirty minutes of bandel local had drained me out. The next morning i was totally not feeling like going to the centre. And i had some strong reasons too-

1. my whole body hurt, as if someone had thoroughly bashed me with a bat overnight

2. i knew that nobody else from my batch was coming

3. it was awfully hot outside

Still i got up. Primarily because of mum's nagging. As predicted i was the lone soul in the class and most of the sums were geometry. I wasnt that bad with the rest of the sums though. Next day was monday and i thought i wud finally get to go to college. Since fodoo was not going i decided to travel directly to bantala. The day was Akshay tritiya - its supposed to be a very asupicious day. It dint turn out to be one however. Fire at strand road, some kind of "michil" ad i was stuck in a jam for a century. When i finally decided to damn it and go home, suddenly the traffic cleared. Reached college- did a communications class and paid 800 bucks for exmination form. Tats it. All that pain for nothing. The return was even more traumatic. Those red waala buses get jam packed in the evening. And well...the heat and all totally knock out the chivalry among the men. So i stood , rather lurched forward and backwards and forward...as the bus inched through another jam of the century.I stood there willing the bus to move, mutterring..move, move, move and using all of my psychic abilities to keep the buses moving. Only this wasnt a movie. The alchemist funda doesnt work much on the city roads. To top it all the rickshaw guy was drunk, so i got down a little before my home scared out of my wits....and walked home. Now that i am writing it , it so resembles a "the day when everything went wrong " essay we used to have in school. Lol! And now another week of blissful bunking lies ahead of me. All's well that ends well.

Dog days- Garmi Sharmi Hai Rabba!

This semester is turning out to be a vacation. I hardly have over 20 p.c. attendance and what more i am even bunking practs. The best thing about it is that i am not feeling guilty about it as is my wont. Looks like my hermionishness is fading away and i have got a ronnish strek. Its all this heat. When you wake up every morning all sweaty and feeling angry at the entire world stuff like discipline, responsibility, etc take a hike. We are all bunking college this week too. I saw a cockroach on the floor yesterday. I reckon i should throw the bisc wrappers away. The rooms getting messier in geometric progression. My hair feels like this dried bush from africa. My CAT roadmap lies somewhere in this heap unfollowed. I am feeling sick to the core. I think i will just run off to home and its sweet sweet air conditioner!!!!!!

My "get religious" slogan aint pumping me enough. I hope i pick up soon. We have presentations and reports this year. I am kinda interested in the presentation thing. I know its fancy superficial stuff but its kinda more exciting than the other stuff that i have been doing. I dint intend to work on it. Had decided to cheat on it actually. I should have known better. I love sqandering. That's what i do best. Its half done already. Will finish it by tomorrow.

I better get going now! I am feeling kinda inspired!!!:-D

Friendship and the Fs

Our Training and Placement Officer is a schmuck. He is an incompetent self assuming technologically challenged asshole because otherwise he had no reason beneath the blue yonder to make me travel all the way to bucolic bantala to fetch a stupid note. My college is an outright abomination.

Friendship...well my best friend was lamenting about a soured friendship. I have had truckloads of them and have sulked about them a lot too. I never work hard to keep my friends anyway. They come, some stick,some slip and i just carry on. Infact today i had a scary realization. I never actually wanted to keep any of them. Ofcourse i have been very stupid. I can see that more clearly specially now that i am often finding myself tongue tied- unable to express, unable to think.

today's day was well not very productive. i still have the pain in my calf muscles- a gift of my over zealous skipping sessions. Its 1st April already and now i have got seven odd months before i take the common aptitude test. I am thinking of working out a schedule.

I completed Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe yesterday...i enjoyed reading it-the old ibo customs, their fundas, their customs. When the westerners discover Okonkwo's village, i was overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness. I wanted to protect the village from the government, the church. Though they brought science, education, law and a certain rationality i felt it was unfair of them to impose it on them. Okonkwo kills himself because he couldnt have changed. Whether the change was for the better, i couldnt decide. The tribe suffered from ignorance to a certain degree but they were wise. Their ways of functioning was different but not totally fatuous. Infact they were quite redolent of our indian villages.

What makes you tired?

There is something very wrong about this write-thing here. I had read a word for informal articles..but can't recall. That's ironic because the whole point of writing all this kitsch is to help me recall, remember why my days are not non existent as they seem to be. 23rd March - 65 or more years ago bhagat singh got hanged so that i could sit here, typing away. Aww I am not getting patriotic here am I?

I don't know. I couldn't love my country i hate all the people, everyone including myself. As if i got the essence of abomination into me. I feel angry over nothing at all. I felt angry when dad was picking on me. I felt angry when **** expressed her desire to sit for cat. And i felt angry at myself for feeling angry. This is so Peter Keating.

Dad's fault was that he mouthed what i already know. I am worthless. That enraged me. And i answered back. Remorselessness- my only defence. I am grateful to him for things too many to mention, but i answered him back. And i stole files- i stole stupid, worthless practical files from our college lab because they were throwing it away anyway. I stole stupid five-rupees-each files because that was supposed to be fun. I don't know whether i have had any fun in my life anymore. And i use slang- i know what they mean and i use them. I have forgotten that word for informal articles but i remember all those worthless slangs. I am not good enough to crack the common aptitude test. Everyday a new pimple erupts from some blasted pore of my face and my bag feels heavy on my shoulders. So all this makes me tired. And that brings me back to what's so very wrong with this article- it begins with a question about you. But that makes anarrogant assumption that you are actually reading this. Another mistake is that the article ain't about you at all. It talks about what tires me out. A grave error indeed. But i have an excuse. I am tired ;-)

I should have ended this here and clicked on publish post. But i want to talk about trains. I don't exactly have anything in particular to say about them. I just felt like mentioning. I am so used to a train journey now- its almost as banal as brushing my teeth. The passengers, the hawkers, the beggars- none of them change much really. I get a seat mostly, sometimes i end up being not lucky. We sometimes stare at each other shamelessly, unapologetically, at others we pretend we are alone in the coach, sometimes we are happy enough to strike an overtly cheery pointless conversation and feel good about having communicated. So that's that. I wasnt bluffing when i said i was tired.

If you love something..stand back and watch it being taken away

They ended Kyle XY ..the final episode left me worried and disappointed. Ofcourse Kyle will find a way out of it. Things will all fall in place. But i lost another thing that i loved. Maybe its a good thing. I dont know. When life is a bunch of disappointments, a new one doesnt make a lot of difference. It just gives me another reason to be crappily schmaltz.

I reached college today, we waited for an hour for the stupid classes to start. I really find it funny when i see teachers taking themselves so seriously in a setup that our college is. I was sitting in the library and wondering how it was the perfect setting for a tacky horror movie-An institute for the dead. So we are sitting there, i mean in the class room, and this guy enters,utterly lost- his presence in the room looked like a mistake. No, wait- our college is one huge mistake. The teacher noted that it was his first class this semester. He asked him the date. So Mary's little lamb bleated that he didnt know. Yeah he didnt think the information was important enough to keep in mind. " What would i need to know the date for? There isnt any exam today". Sound reasoning. Reflecting now on that imbecile statement i suppose it doesnt really matter what the date is if the day is just like the previous one. Even i cant associate memories with the date they were formed on. So i was laughing not just at his ignorance but also enjoying the fact that someone else was more dismal than me perhaps. As far as accomplishments go- i dint learn anything new on March 20, 2009- which was today an hour ago. I came back from college,watched Taken- thought it was a pretty plain movie, like i was watching an FPS game or something. Then i slept through the evening- even missing dinner. Another day and another truck load of disappointments.

I hate these people. I dislike them. I detest their existence, their presence, their sight- i look at them as an abomination. I hope i am able to redeem myself of this wretchedness. I am scared that it wont end. I am terribly scared.

A circle has no beginning

I wish cat studies were as glue-to-matic as KYLE is. I mean i know i am screwing up...these are the first symptoms. During my X boards it was that stupid imbecile Potter series, and now its Kyle XY. I mean ofcourse they should cancel the show cause its too damn good. It keeps me hooked. I mean Kyle is everything I wud want to be- i wud even settle for jesse. I missed my coaching today cause i had fallen asleep! Its incredible how i manage to do it and now i feel guilty too- so that is neither here nor there. I know this CAT thing is my last chance and i am on the way to annihilate it. I missed the class and i didnt make most of today either.

When the only fun you have is while wartching a crass 'dehati' excuse for a girl crying hoarse on a stupid show called roadies, you know there is something terribly wrong wirth your life. I hope they wont sue me for calling it stupid. I totally admit that i enjoyed today's episode but that was because it was funny. The catfight, the task...it was funny only because of Palak and her idiosyncrasies. One thing that i do not understand about this show is the thing they call - ROADIE SPIRIT. The producer- i suppose the cool, bald guy who can cause serious damage just using his vocabulary, projects it to be something about integrity, honesty and performance. Giving your heart to that thing. Now if a person had integrity, honesty and the zeal to give his best come what may- wouldnt he be like in IIT or sumthing. I mean why in God's name would a ROADIE spirited person come on this senseless show to try out some controlled and closely monitored. One would expect such a person to achieve fame and money for a meaningful period of time contributing at the same time a lot more to the society than and hour per week of silly entertainment. Okay i am being preachy her but duh! this is myspace. Then there's all the vulgarity, crassness and abuses. Why would someone tat good take all that crap to prove that he can do silly stunts while manipulating coparticipants? The only good thing about this self proclaimed standard of cool is that they give you something to talk about with friends. Well this only goes to prove that our media industry- at least the television thing kinda sucks. Whenever you actually come to liking a show it either transforms magically into crap or just goes off air. But it shouldnt be bothering me now.